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Hallelujah

Love.

The last few months have been a real roller coaster when it comes to my feelings for these two guys. Ryan and Shaun. I met Ryan over the summer, and we had a great time together. Strictly physical, but there was still chemistry that neither of us could deny. He left for school 400 miles away from me and left me with nothing. We didn’t speak for the entire month of September and when he finally spoke to me again, it was because he was coming home for a weekend and wanted to have sex. Of course I did because I still really liked this guy. Now, right at the beginning of September I met Shaun. The first night I met him, we stayed up until 5am talking on the porch of a mutual friend’s house. I saw him again on my birthday and then yet again a couple days later. He intimidated me, no doubt, but there was something about him that really intrigued me. I invited him to a fundraiser at a bar a couple weeks later and that night was the first night we hooked up. Later I then found out he had just recently broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years who happens to be a sister of mine. We continued to talk and see each other out at parties and the bar. After seeing Ryan in early October, the feelings I had for him did everything but go away. And he once again started ignoring me for another month. Me and Shaun hit it off. I would really look forward to seeing him at parties and then on Halloween we finally had sex. Extremely drunk sex in our best friend’s basement at like 5am. But either way, that opened up the door to essentially where I am right now. Occasionally I talked to Ryan; it was always like pulling teeth to have a normal conversation with him that didn’t include him begging me for nudes. When winter break rolled around, Shaun had decided to move into an opening in my best guy friend’s off-campus house. They’re all brothers of the same fraternity and over the last year and a half I’ve become pretty close with a lot of brothers. While on break, I was persuaded to go spend a night with Ryan. We had sex and got into a fight in the morning and I left him while he was still mad (or being a pussy in my opinion). I spent New Years with Shaun and some of my closest friends. By this time, Shaun had moved into the house and we didn’t have to awkwardly squish onto the couch together. I haven’t seen Ryan since then, yet he begged me to come visit him over spring break and he also almost came to see me once a few weeks ago while his hockey team was at the ACHA championships in Boston. Which before he called me drunk to tell me how much he missed me. Except, once he went back to school from Boston he has yet to talk to me. Reason number 1 why I want to get over this asshole. Reason number 2 why I want to get over Ryan is Shaun. Shaun is amazing. He’s responsible, spontaneous, super outgoing and has a great job already. He’s 5 years older than me, but we can relate on so many levels. He treats me with so much respect. I love spending time with him. But it took me so long to get to this point. I wasn’t extremely physically attracted to him at first. It’s truly his personality and the way he carries himself that is downright sexy as hell. I wish I could spend every night with him. We’ve talked about our situation, about whether or not we should date, what we should call ourselves, if we’re going to see other people, etc. Shaun knows about Ryan, I wouldn’t ever lie to him. He also knows I haven’t seen him since December. I think though, that if Shaun told me tonight that he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Yet for some reason, in the way back of my mind, I still have feelings Ryan. And if he called me to tell me he was home and wanted to see me, I’m not 100% sure that I’d be able to say no.